Before I was married I most often went to the movies alone. I had decided it was less stressful to go alone. Why? Because I wasn’t going to let anyone down. When I invited a friend to the cinema I felt responsible if it was a bad choice. I felt like I wasted their money. Plus others often influenced how I felt about the film. If I knew they hated it it tainted my enjoyment.
In my late teens I saw all the movies that came out. I watched 2-3 movies a week. I had my solo routine. I’d go to Chili’s, which was located next to the theaters, order chicken enchilada soup and salad and read a book then go to my movie. It was so very enjoyable.
Sometimes I would go with a friend or a boyfriend but mostly it was alone.
After I got married I never went alone. Mostly because I couldn’t stand being apart from my man. Yes, I was one of those incredibly codependent people who wants to spend every waking moment with their lover. That was me. You should have known him. He was that great. I hated the idea of seeing a movie and not being able to discuss every minuet detail with him.
This past December I saw my first solo movie since before I was married and it was great. It was something I knew my lover wouldn’t like and I knew he’d ruin it for me by analyzing it even though it wasn’t an analyze worthy movie. I saw my movie then went to Thai food alone and read “A Christmas Carol.” It was a delight.
I’ve been having a hard day. I miss my love so much. People keep asking if it’s getting better and the answer is a big, fat no. Honestly, it’s worse now then it was the first month. I was still in shock and not at all processing what happened. Now it’s hitting me like a freight train. Some days my mind refuses to accept it and some days I can only see despair because I’m grasping my new reality.
Today has been hard. The kids are off for summer break and my happy ending of knowing the love of my life will be home at the end of a hard day is no more. I have nothing to look forward to. I get through because I have to not because I want to.
And then, like a tiny gift, the movies popped in my head. My mom and mother-in-law have been taking the kids once a week and it’s been an incredibly important reprieve but I haven’t had anything especially exciting to do or look forward to until today.
I’m going to go to the movies again. Solo. Like old times. Well, sort of.