Right. Left.

“Beep! Beep! Beep!” I roll over and hit snooze on the alarm.  Joshua comes in dragging his star blankie.

“Moooom.  Can I sleep with you?” he asks.

“Sure,” I say and roll over to make room for him.

“Beep! Beep! Beep!” The alarm blares again.

“I want to turn it off!” Josh announces and hits the snooze button again.

“Beep! Beep! Beep!” it sounds once more. I roll over and turn it off once and for all but continue to lay there.  I’m exhausted despite the sleeping pill and full 8 hours of sleep I’ve had.  I feel dark and lonely and sad.

Time passes.  I don’t know how much exactly but I feel like we really should be getting up.

“Joshy, it’s time to get ready for school,” I whisper.

“NO!” is his immediate reply.

I roll over.  “I don’t really want to get up either,” I think.

Finally I look at the clock.  Oh yes.  We really must get up or we all will be late.

I roll out of bed and Joshy comes too.  I look out the window.  It’s gray and dismal, just like my mood.

I race around the house trying to get everything ready.  I get Josh dressed.  I dress Wyatt too because he’s taking too long.  All of the bread is in the freezer so it’s cereal for everyone. (Thank goodness because toast takes longer.)  I’m just so stressed about something but I’m not quite sure what it is.

Rush. RUsh. RUSH.  Run. RUn. RUN.  Ugh.  The older two are going to be tardy.  I yell and then I feel horrible.

We all jump in the car. We’re going to make it.  I drive them to school and drop them off.  No time to walk Wyatt to class.  I hate that.  Then we are off to pick up a cousin so they can go to preschool.

Preschool drop-off goes well. No hiccups. I rush back to the car.  Why am I rushing?  It’s that stress.  It makes me feel like I need to hurry but I don’t know why.  I race to Target for a couple of things then head home.

“I need to go for a run,” I think.  It will help.  But I don’t want to run.  I want to curl up in bed and cry.  “That means you need to run!” I think more sternly to myself.  I arrive home and walk straight to my room.  I pull out some leggings, a sports bra, a long sleeve shirt and a fleece headband.  I undress in the cold of my bedroom.  At least my shoes feel sunny.  Over the weekend I went to Big 5 with Pres to get him so Futsal shoes and found the perfect pair of running shoes for me. Bright purple to match my hair.

I lace up and head for the door.  I hesitate for a moment.

“I don’t really want to go.  It’s cold out there,” I think.
“Go,” something whispers from deep within and I know it’s right.  I strap on my armband and go.

“Right. Left. Right. Left. Right. Left.”  My feet say. I quickly find my rhythm. It’s slow and steady but it is forward.

“Right. Left. Right. Left. Right. Left,” becomes my mantra.  Just keep going.  Keep moving forward.  Soon I’m warm all over. My purple braids are bouncing, keeping rhythm with a new song playing through my headphones.

Before I know it I’m back home.  Three miles down in the blink of an eye.  I’m sweaty AND I’m stinky but I’m also smiling.  That’s something worth running for.

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Me, my purple shoes and a kick ass playlist

Joining a Gym: is it worth it?

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I’m thinking about joining a gym again.  I had a membership a few years ago and loved but but after getting pregnant with my third I quit going and ultimately didn’t renew my membership.  Now I’m feeling the itch to get serious about getting in shape again so joining a gym again seems like the obvious choice.  Here is my pros and cons list:

Pros:

  • Childcare!!!
    • This is a big one for me.  It is very difficult to sneak a workout in when you have multiple little ones crawling on you all day.  Plus it would just be nice to have a little break for myself each day.
  • You can comfortably workout in any weather.
  • All the equipment you could ever need.jamie-eason-live-fit
    • Last time around I followed the Jamie Eason’s Live Fit plan and LOVED it.  It centers around weight training but I happen to be one of those weirdos who love cardio so I ended up adding a treadmill session at the end of my workouts.  It was GREAT.
  • Exercise classes of all kinds for variety.
  • Warding off depression. (See: my post from yesterday.)

Cons:

  • The expense.
    • Mostly I worry about wasting money by not using it especially if my kids get sick and we can’t go. (See next issue)
  • Kids potentially getting sick more.
    • It’s a little different this time because my oldest is in elementary school and MM is in preschool but the first time around my kids got sick A LOT.  It’s no fun to have sick kids but them being sick also meant that we couldn’t go to the gym which made me feel like we were wasting our money.
  • You have to drive there.
    • I think this one is mitigated by the fact that I am basically driving to my childcare but it’s still a fact that it’s not completely convenient to have to drive across town to workout.

So what do you think?  Like I said, I’m leaning toward joining but I’d love to hear your feelings on the matter.  Do you have a gym membership?  Why or why not?  Is it worth it?

Melancholy

I’ve been absent from my little space for the last few weeks.  It always starts with a single day and before I know it weeks have passed. Interestingly I have missed my writing. It really seems to clear my mind and help my sanity to write here, even if the post is never published it seems to help to put my words down.

Another reason I’ve been gone is I’ve a bit of a bout with depression.  It comes and goes for me but it’s never a very happy place to be.  It’s a dark hole that is incredibly hard to crawl out of.

Depression runs in my family.  I have relatives whose whole lives have been consumed by depression so I know I have a genetic propensity toward melancholy.  Even with this knowledge it always surprises me when I begin to sink.  Throughout the majority of my childhood and young adulthood I had a fairly sunny disposition.  Optimism and happiness were my baseline.

After my first pregnancy I had serious postpartum depression.  It was rough for me and even more so for my husband.  After that it seems to have opened a part of my personality that was prior to that locked up.  Luckily it doesn’t happen all that often.  I’m happy to say that with my subsequent pregnancies I was lucky enough to escape the life consuming postpartum depression thanks to a good support group and taking better care of myself.  Also, my bouts of depression have all been just that.  Bouts.

This time, though, it went on for more than a couple days.  It was the perfect storm of things storm after storm that kept me inside.  Holiday stress (my family can be hard to be around).  Kids fighting after being cooped up for days and days with no school.  An extra messy house that I can’t quite keep up with.  All little things by themselves but together just a little too much for me.

At first I couldn’t figure out what was wrong.  I just felt off.  And it was getting worse.  I didn’t want to do anything.  I felt overwhelmed by everything.  I didn’t leave the house unless I had to.  It was starting to interfere with my everyday life.  It was affecting my relationships.

One day (Friday to be exact) I was talking to my husband.  I had been picking at him over all kinds of silly things.  Obsessing really and I felt bad but I couldn’t seem to stop fixating.  I was crying a lot and he wanted to help.  We’d talked about what were the likely culprits and we finally zeroed in on depression.  (Looking back it should have been obvious but I guess we are a bit dull.)

“Go for a walk,” he said.

“What?  I don’t want to go for a walk.  I want to go to bed,” I retorted.

“But you need to get out.  Just go,” he urged.

“Well, I don’t feel like it.  And I don’t have time.  I have to get all of that stuff done.” I said.

“Then don’t.  I’m just trying to help,” he said.

And he left it at that.  He didn’t argue.  He didn’t insist he just left it and I went.  I didn’t go far.  Two miles at the most but I was a different person.  I felt myself again.

All this to say exercise is something I need Every.  Single.  Day.

In addition I decided the boys need to get out as well.  We are supposed to get another series of storms this week (we need the rain so I am NOT complaining!) so we took a muddy jaunt all day Saturday.  It was glorious.  Our friends live on 350+ acres with trails and lakes and a playground to boot.  We pulled on our rain boots and spent the day in boy (and for this mama too) heaven.

It was just what the doctor ordered.

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These Clarks are Made for Walking

Two for two this week in getting my exercise in.  Not only did I walk this morning with the neighbor but I also walked to pick the oldest up from school AND I walked my buns to my local polling place to drop-off my absentee ballet.  Woot!  Woot!  I’d also planned on walking to Costco but MMM threw an epic fit on our ballet drop-off walk so we nixed that one.

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While these Mary Janes may not seem like ideal shoes for a lengthy jaunt I have to say, for walking I may like them better than my running shoes.  They are incredibly comfortable.  I purchased them a while back when I decided I was over cheap, trendy shoes.  I decided I wanted nice-ish, comfortable, timeless shoes I can wear over and over until they fall apart.  I got these for a steal online when they briefly went on clearance.  I’m keeping my eyes peeled in case they drop in price again so I can snatch them up in black as well.

Anyway, I’m patting myself on the back for getting some extra exercise in AND doing my civic duty (and privilege) and voting.

Did you vote?

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Whew

Well, I got my Monday workout done.  Yay!  I’m usually more of a morning-workout kind of person but it wasn’t going to happen this morning so afternoon it was.  I knew I couldn’t do my normal walk with the neighbor so last night I Google-ed “at home workouts” and found this great, not-too-complicated, not-too-long and no-equipment-needed workout on Youtube.  I have a feeling this You Tube channel may be a go-to workout place for me when the rains come.

My favorite part was that my older boys jumped in with my and we all had a blast working out together.  It’s always more fun to workout with a friend or two.  🙂

Happy Monday!