It Can’t Be

I don’t even know where to begin. I’ve written this post in my head many times but how can I begin to explain how upside down my world has become?

My very best friend, the love of my life, my favorite confidante, the father of my children, my lover and the person who made life worth living died. In March he was hit by an SUV at work in a snowstorm and he died the next day.

I’m living a nightmare. Each night I go to sleep and wake-up wishing I could go back to sleep. I don’t want to go on. Not without him. I spend my days muttering “it can’t be true. Not my love.” I will go on because I have three small boys and I have to but I don’t want to.

I had everything I wanted in life. I was happy. I had my own struggles, like we all do, but I was living the life I had always dreamed of. I worked hard at being content with what we had. When we had extra we tried to help others. We worked hard at having a happy marriage. We were so happy. So very happy. I loved him with my heart, body and soul and he loved me in return.

Oh God. How do you move on when all you want to do is go back.

I want my happy life back.

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Minimalists and the Amish

amish

The past couple nights I’ve spent watching a PBS American Experience documentary on The Amish.  (Yes, I’m one of those PBS/BBC/Public Radio weirdo-s…)  Truth be told, I have a slight obsession with the Amish.  While I’m not ready to convert (okay, I’ve had a few moments where I wanted to) I do respect and desire to have some of their ways of life.

One interview really stood out in my mind.  It went something like this:

“Lots of people find our way of life restrictive; and in a lot of ways it is.  But I see the “restrictions” more as freedom.  We don’t drive cars so that arbitrarily restricts how far we can travel.  While most of America’s small towns are dying our small towns still thrive.   People with cars are happy to drive a few miles outside of town to go to Walmart but we aren’t going to do it because its too far.”

“Likewise don’t have electricity.  Think of all the departments in the store you can altogether skip if you don’t use electricity.”

And it’s true.  By arbitrarily cutting certain things out of your life you greatly simplify your life leaving room for the things that really matter to you.

For the Amish this would be their religion and their community/family.  Because they are not seeking after material wealth they have more time to focus on God and being good, service oriented people.

This really struck a cord with me and greatly reminded me of another on-again, off-again obsession I have: minimalism. In a lot of ways these two things have A LOT more in common than you’d think.

  1. They reject consumerism.
  2. They seek to simplify life.
    1. So they have more time for things they love.
    2. For less distractions
  3. It extends to all aspects of life
    1. Dress
    2. Uncluttered Home

Okay, so that may be where the similarities end but I believe there is a reason I’m drawn to both of these “cultures.”  I am constantly fighting a battle within myself between what our society tells me to want and what I really want: a simple life full of love, family and friends.

Hopefully, with time, it will be less of a struggle and more of just living my life in the way I am hoping to attain.  And for now I’ll admire those who believe in something so much that they can walk away from the way our culture tells us to live and be in the world not of the world.