The Upside Down

 

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Losing someone very close to you feels like you are living in a parallel universe.  Everyone around you is traveling along as usual and there you are trying to figure out why everything, and I mean everything, feels wrong.  Sure, your surroundings look the same but they feel different.

It reminds me “the Upside Down” in “Stranger Things.”  Physically everything around you is the same but it all feels awful.  The colors are off.  The sounds are wrong.  Everything tastes bland.  Your existence is wrong.  And you look around wondering how everyone else can pretend that things are right.

After my dad died I remember things being off for a while.  When my nephew drowned things were wrong for a long time.  But this, losing Nate, it’s a whole other entity.  My life revolved around my husband.  Everything I did, or wanted to do, I wanted to do with him.  Coming to grips with this life altering change is going to take time.   A LOT of time.

I’m now 8 months into this parallel journey.  8 months since I heard his voice.  8 months since I held his hand.  8 months without the person I loved more than life itself.  It’s been a rough journey but I have to say I am beginning to feel flickers of hope.  I have the desire to find joy again.

I am most certainly still riding the ebb and flow of grief.  There are still long periods where I can’t see past the pain but then it breaks, even if only for a moment, and I can see beauty again.  Someday  I hope to live where the sun shines again but for now I’ll keep walking towards the tiny stream of light shining through the forrest.  The important thing is that I’m still moving.  I’m still going, one step at a time.

 

It Can’t Be

I don’t even know where to begin. I’ve written this post in my head many times but how can I begin to explain how upside down my world has become?

My very best friend, the love of my life, my favorite confidante, the father of my children, my lover and the person who made life worth living died. In March he was hit by an SUV at work in a snowstorm and he died the next day.

I’m living a nightmare. Each night I go to sleep and wake-up wishing I could go back to sleep. I don’t want to go on. Not without him. I spend my days muttering “it can’t be true. Not my love.” I will go on because I have three small boys and I have to but I don’t want to.

I had everything I wanted in life. I was happy. I had my own struggles, like we all do, but I was living the life I had always dreamed of. I worked hard at being content with what we had. When we had extra we tried to help others. We worked hard at having a happy marriage. We were so happy. So very happy. I loved him with my heart, body and soul and he loved me in return.

Oh God. How do you move on when all you want to do is go back.

I want my happy life back.